Fetish IM Conversation
So the other night I had been chatting with my friend, Magic Toy Missing, for about five minutes when I got an IM from a stranger. The stranger started out innocuously enough, even to the point where I felt like I should be polite. Then came the fetish talk. No shit. He’d have been on “ignore” long before we got to that point but I had not just Magic but Susan egging me on to have a good time with the guy.
Keep in mind that as soon as I realized what was going on, which was 5 minutes into the conversation, I was sharing everything the guy said with Magic, then later with Susan. As usual, everything but the conversation with the stranger is italicized.
Oh, and his yahoo ID is “shakespeare_lovee” for anyone who wants to share their fetish with him. Please let me know how it goes if you do. I’m dying to find out.
HIM: Hello. How are you tonight?
ME: Do I know you?
HIM: no i find your yahoo ID in parents channel (Parents channel? Does he mean the Member Directory?)
HIM: i have a friend her name is susan. i take your yahoo ID to her (What does he mean? Susan gave him my ID? Why?)
HIM: is it problem for u?
ME: no… (There must be some reason Susan sent him to me. Or was it Sue, planning to set me up for another IM blog? I wonder…)
HIM: asl plzz (Oh, shit)
ME: sorry, I don’t play that game (Oh, for Pete’s sake. Either you want to talk or you want a freaking date. Which is it?)
HIM: it isnt a game. i never chated u before (No, shit. It I had seen you before you’d be on “ignore.” And you aren’t from around here, are you, buddy?)
HIM: trust me (The hell I will!)
ME: I don’t mean to be rude, but is there something you wanted to talk with me about? (I’m really not in the mood for this.)
HIM: i saw your picture and i like u much (Did he see me on Susan’s friends list? She has a lot of these guys on her list since she speaks Arabic. Crap. I don’t want to alienate a friend of hers.)
HIM: u are looking friendly (Whatever.)
HIM: do i disturb u? (Yes. But I’ll be nice. You might be a friend of Susan’s.)
ME: thank you. You obviously have me at a disadvantage, though, because I neither know what you look like or what interests we might have in common.
HIM: i only want to chat u (Yeah. That’s why you’re so interested in my “asl plzz” – if you saw my page you should already know my “asl plzz.” Time to let Magic know what was going on: “I’ve got one of those Arab guys who just messaged me, telling me our friend Susan said to look me up. I wonder if she wanted me to tell him to go fuck himself”? Magic responds, “probably….do it anyways….” I laugh, and copy the conversation so far to Magic, who responds with a heartfelt “woohoo!” He’s so pleased that I have an admirer. He’s a good friend.)
HIM: if u want! (I don’t want. Be nice, Anne, I tell myself. He’s a possible friend of a friend. Me to Magic: “So what should I tell him? I’ll give you credit if you help me mess with his head and I post it as a blog!”)
ME: What shall we discuss? Today I’m quite interested in Venezuela. (I just wrote a blog on it, in fact. But if you really came from my page you would already know that, especially if you were interested enough in me to look at what I was interested in. I look back to the IM with Magic. Magic’s a little slow to respond, but eventually he helps me out with a topic by saying, “ummmmm… hummm….” in a thoughtful way. I’m glad HE’S not trying to pick up chicks on IM. I’m TEASING, Magic! So I copy the remainder of the conversation so far to Magic and giggle. Venezuela. That ought to hang him up! Magic is laughing at me.)
HIM: i want to see u (Oh, shit! Of course you do. Next you’re going to ask me to cam with you.)
HIM: could u plz invite me your cam (uh-huh. I copy this bit of scintillating conversation to Magic and cry for help. Magic, to his credit, does try to get helpful. “Point the cam at some thing totally weird. That should work,” he tells me. I look around for something bizarre to point the camera to. All I see is the silly flamingo pen someone gave me as a joke a couple of years ago. No, I don’t think that’s quite the ticket.)
ME: I thought you already had seen me. You said I looked friendly. (I’m playing for time, my mind racing. Oh, hell. This is such garbage. I’m asking Susan if she sent him to me.)
HIM: yes u are friendly (Hell, no I’m not! Just give me time!)
HIM: could u plz invite me your cam
ME: No, I don’t have a cam. (Shit. She’s not online. Or she’s invisible. Me to Magic: “Help!” Magic just laughs at me.)
HIM: do u have any web cam female friends?
ME: excuse me?
HIM: do u have any web cam female friends? (I’m thinking, gee, um, there’s Silly, and OhBilly has been trying to get lucky with one of these characters. Hmmm…)
ME: Are you really asking me if i have any women friends for you to ogle over the internet?
ME: Why would I want a friend of mine to be sexually assaulted by web cam?
HIM: what is the probem? (I copy this section of the message to Magic, who lets me know in no uncertain terms that he is dying laughing. You know, he sends me the emoticon with the little yellow guy rolling around beating the floor laughing his ass off. ‘Thanks heaps, buddy,’ I’m thinking.)
HIM: am i looking there a pervert? (Hell, yes, buddy! And if Susan sent you to me I’m gonna kill her! What a time for her not to be online!)
HIM: why u think sex? (DUH!)
ME: Well, usually the next thing a man asks when he’s hunting for someone to cam with is for the woman to take off her clothes. Trust me, I have no friends who would be interested in that.
HIM: there are a lot of phil. girls in chat channels and they are very rude (Really. Well, you’re fixin’ to THINK rude …)
HIM: i felt bored (you felt bored so you decided to pick on me? ME? What the hell have I ever done to you?!)
ME: what do you mean by “phil. girls”? (I copy Magic with the next block of the conversation.)
HIM: phillipian females (Me to Magic: “How am I doing, Magic? BTW, you AREN’T helping!”)
ME: how are they rude?
HIM: want to show their body (Magic just laughs at me: “lol….not sure….never had a man hit on me….”)
HIM: and most of them have very ugly body
ME: lol (Me to Magic: I’ll be happy to send this one your way)
ME: showing one’s body seems to be all the rage with webcammers
HIM: maybe (Me to Magic: Let me send ol’ shakespeare lovee to you and you can pretend to be a philippino cammer for him. Won’t HE get a shock!)
HIM: are u married? (Magic to me: “My cam is pointing at the floor right now….lol”)
HIM: kids? (Me to Magic: “Point it at something else when this guy comes along. See if he likes that! ROFLMFAO)
ME: one boy. (Magic to me: “No way! lol” I think, ‘That does it. I’m sending Susan a message and hoping she’s online!’ Me to Susan: “Hey, did you just send some guy with the ID ‘shakespeare_lovee’ to chat me up? ROFL”)
HIM: God bless him (I don’t know about that. The kid’s a sworn atheist. Except on test days, of course.)
ME: and you? (Magic to me: my dad sent me a very nasty pic….. lol….you want it? Susan to me: “WTH?”)
HIM: i am single sweety (Susan to me: “No! WTF!?” AHA! She’s here!)
ME: how nice (Remember y’all, ‘how nice’ is southern for ‘fuck you.’ Don’t EVER call me ‘sweetie’ unless you know me really well. Me to magic: “I don’t think so! LOL Susan just answered me.”)
ME: You really don’t need to refer to me as “sweety” since I tend not to be very sweet. (“Yep,” I say to Susan. “Let me show you.” I copy her with the first part of the conversation, to the point where he asks me “asl plzz.” She says to me, “Get the hell outta here!”)
HIM: do u think u are ugly???
ME: WHAT? (He has no idea, but instead of being offended, I’m laughing at Susan, who is completely mystified at this point. “What’s THAT about?” she asks me.)
ME: no (I wish I could concentrate on you, buddy, but I’m laughing at Susan’s reaction now! Susan says to me: “I’m freaking shocked! What the hell?” I tell her, “I’m having one of THOSE IM conversations with him – but I didn’t want to be too rude if he really was a friend of yours.” “Shit!” she replies. “I don’t know a Shakespeare, unless he has a different handle on IM.” “I think he just made it up,” I tell her. “He’s obviously one of the ones we have Wench’s Virgin Training School for.”)
HIM: u are very sweet lady (“Ask him how he knows me,” Susan says)
ME: thank you (Susan’s offended. “What the hell is he saying my name for?” I think he made up the name,” I say to reassure her. “That’s B.S.!” I can practically hear her yelling, and I’m really laughing now. Yes, she’s offended. “Wanna help me mess with him?” I ask her. “Jesus Christ! How?” Yay! She’s on board with me!
HIM: whats your job?
ME: I’m a lawyer (Susan has been checking her friends list to be sure. “I don’t have a shakespeare,” she tells me. I reply, “He made it up – or Sue sent him to me, since she loves it when I post those conversations.”)
ME: What do you do? (Innocuous conversation – I’m thinking if I get Miss Susie in on this it ought to be good!)
HIM: i am a teacher (Susan’s still indignant. “Christ, I know I didn’t! I would never give out someone’s address!”)
ME: what do you teach? (Keeping him on the line long enough to trace the call – this is gonna be fun…)
HIM: genetics (“Thank you!” I say to Susan, and I definitely mean it. The last thing I want is people giving these creeps my IM address. They find it easily enough as it is!)
ME: really (‘Genetics? How full of shit is he?’ I’m thinking. He probably thinks I’m impressed.)
HIM: yes (I report to Susan: “He claims to be a professor of genetics)
HIM: and where is your husband? (‘He’s looking over my shoulder reading this conversation, idiot. Don’t you remember I told you I’m divorced?’ I think to myself. Susan’s reaction to the ‘genetics’ thing is the same as mine. “Yeah – where?” The skepticism drips from her keyboard.)
ME: Where do you teach?
HIM: in college (I tell Susan, “He says he teaches in a college. He’s more interested in where my husband is.” We both laugh at this.)
ME: What college? (“Wait a minute,” Susan says. “genetics – that’s ringing a bell.” Uh-oh. Maybe he IS one of hers.)
HIM: secondary school (Secondary school? Like high school? This guy needs to get his story straight. Susan remembers, “I had a prof that came as an avatar, a woman. I didn’t accept the invitation.”)
HIM: where is your husband? (This guy obviously didn’t read the part where I told him I am divorced, even though he said my husband must be blind – whatever that might have to do with getting divorced. I ‘m getting worried that he really is a friend and I will have to be nice to him, and suddenly I’m in a mood to mess with him, with Susan’s help, of course. “Let me look at his profile and see if there’s anything there.”)
ME: I am not married (She tells me the name of the genetics person who contacted her. It’s not the same. “Let me ask his name,” I say.)
HIM: u divorced? (Yes, and I sound like a broken record telling you that, just like you sound like a broken record asking me where my husband is.)
ME: What is your name?(Susan says, “He said that he likes to clone humans.” “Yeah, right,” I say. “He did. Right on his page.”)
HIM: u are very beautiful woman. he must be blind (My ex has better eyesight than I do. Let’s just not go there, ok, buddy?)
HIM: my name is umut. u? (I tell Susan, “He says his name is Umut. “He’s a mutt alright,” she retorts.)
HIM: nice to meet u
ME: where are you from?
ME: Why genetics? what interests you about that field of study?
HIM: i like genetics. i fell happy to teach it
HIM: i really want to see u (I tell Susan, “This one isn’t responding well to my questions. I might be able to cut and paste a couple of conversations together for this one, but so far he’s not a real winner. As winners go in the IM category of conversations, that is!” She laughs.)
ME: You have seen my picture. that’s what I look like
HIM: but it would be nice to see u live (“He bad wants to cam with me,” I tell Susan. “I’m SO not going to.”)
ME: Well, I’m afraid that’s out of the question since I don’t have a webcam (Susan’s amazed. “WTF!” I say, “Yeah. Really.”)
HIM: could u find it some where? (I copy Susan with more of the conversation)
ME: What? I don’t have one! (What kind of a dumbass is he, anyway?)
ME: What do you mean find it?
HIM: i really want to see u (I copy Susan with another chunk of the conversation)
ME: then look at my picture (God, is this guy whiny, or what?)
ME: that’s the best I can do for you (I copy more of the conversation to Susan)
HIM: but i see only your 3 pictures
ME: four. There are four. The one with the red lips is me, too (I had the red monkey lips representing the Hornifed Sex Monkey still on my top page)
HIM: nice joke
HIM: u make me laugh
ME: I’m so glad (I really couldn’t care less. I copy the last of the conversation to Susan. Susan remarks, “Pushy bastard. Must be Arab.” “Turk,” I tell her” “Same difference,” she notes. “Yup.” We both laugh.
HIM: could u sen me your pictures plz?
ME: No, I don’t think so. (I pass this request on to Susan. She starts scrambling to find pictured for me to send the guy.“I have a naked man for ya,” she offers. I laugh. “That would be a hoot! I was chatting with Magic Toy Missing a few minutes before I messaged you, and I suggested sending this guy to him. Magic could turn on his web cam and give the guy a treat.” Susan laughed. “Too bad you didn’t get him to do it!” “I know. Magic declined the invitation to play. Said he had to wash his hair or something.” Susan has now located several pictures. She shares them with me and I laugh. “Oh, yeah. Like I should send him a woman in a thong!” She snorts. “Go for it. That’s as naked as my photos get. I got nothing else in the arsenal.”)
HIM: send me plz
ME: I really don’t think we have anything to talk about (Susan’s trying to persuade me to go for the thong.)
HIM: what u want to learn about me? (Not a damn thing, buddy. But, being a sport, I share the conversation to this point with Susan. She says to me, “I like the naked guy myself.”)
ME: here you go
HIM: heyyy (He’s getting excited. This is going to be funny. I tell Susan I just sent the naked guy.)
HIM: what is this? (Susan says, “I can’t wait to hear this!”)
ME: it appears to be a naked man (Looks like a nude dude to me, Sparky. Do you like him?)
HIM: is it your ex husband pic?
ME: someone sent it to me (I won’t tell him that a woman just sent it to me for the sole purpose of sending it to him.)
HIM: i think thats is not his picture
HIM: he must be find it some where
ME: You think? I was hoping it was real (I copy the conversation to this point to Susan, who says, “WTF?! LMMFAO)
ME: but I don’t know too many people who sit around naked and let their friends take pictures of them (Do I sound enough like Pollyanna here?)
HIM: i dont think so? (I copy the next few lines to Susan, who is still laughing. She asks, “So does he have his cam on?” “No clue,” I tell her.)
ME: oh, well. I had hoped he would be my next husband
HIM: i have very nice female friends but i have never sent them my naked pictures (“What does he look like?” Susan asks. “Darn it,” I say, “he hasn’t offered to let me view him, nor has he offered me a pic.” I can hear her chortle. “Tell him you will if he does.” I think NOT!)
ME: you mean you HAVE naked pics? (God, they ALL have naked pics. Who TAKES those pictures is what I want to know! Wait – no, I really DON’T want to know, either.)
HIM: yes of course (Of course. Me to Susan: eeeewwwwww! I don’t want to see!)
HIM: dont u?
ME: NO! (Susan says to me: “What the hell. Just put him on iggy after you get a laugh.” Don’t I always?)
ME: Well, ok, I have one (I send Susan this section of the conversation and she laughs at me. ‘Now where the hell am I going to get a naked picture?’ I wonder, trusting Susan as my spirit guide in all this.)
HIM: u must be joking (“Susie, find me a good one!” I plead, knowing that she has to be dying of laughter in front of her computer. “Of what? A woman? Naked?” Dammit, I can hear her hanging me out to dry…)
ME: well, no
ME: It’s not really naked (“Yeah,” I tell Susan. “Or maybe I’ll use your thong pic.” She has sent me a sexy one of a woman in her underwear.)
HIM: in bikini
ME: not exactly (Don’t ask me where I’m going with this, because I can’t tell you. I’m just hoping Susan comes up with something.)
HIM: if u want u can send me
ME: Why would I want to do that? (I send the conversation to Susan, hoping she finds a pic in a hurry)
HIM: if not ok dont agry sweety
ME: I’m not angry. I’m just curious. Why would I want to send you an intimate picture? (Sending Susan the last couple of lines, ‘Hurry, hurry, Susan,’ I beg silently.)
HIM: look, your chat friend send u his naked picture
HIM: do u feel excited? (Oh, Jesus. Next he’ll want to know the state of my panties.)
HIM: i think yes (“Almost there,” Susan assures me. Whew!)
HIM: maybe u want to make excited me
ME: no. Actually, I found that in Google images (I’m intentionally ignoring the question of anyone’s state of excitement.)
HIM: why u searched it
ME: because you were asking for pics
ME: I thought it would be funny
HIM: thats not about me
HIM: do u want to see my naked pictures?
HIM: be truth’ (Me to Susan: “Oh, shit! NOW WHAT???” Susan tries to be soothing as I am freaking out. “Tell him you have to go find it.”)
ME: How do you know you could trust me with photos of you naked? I might publish them on the internet (“No, you misunderstand!” I tell Susan. “He’s offering to send me HIS naked pic!!” “Go for it,” she advises. I’m throwing up a little in the back of my mouth.)
HIM: hımmm u right but that is your problem not mine
HIM: so i never send (I notify Susan of this turn of events. “Should I beg him for it?” I laugh. “Tell him you’ll show a little if he does. Ask him why he wants to talk to you. I mean, if he wants to cam than he better get serious!” I’m dying laughing. “There’ll be no bullshit then, She assures me. )
ME: send it if you want. I don’t care. (Does that sound nonchalant enough?)
HIM: is your first feet toe longer than second
HIM: or the same?
ME: ?? Why do you ask that? (Me to Susan: you won’t believe what he just asked)
HIM: i want to learn (I send Susan the toe question)
ME: why does that make a difference? (“Foot fetish, Susan diagnoses immediately. “Probably,” I say. What do I do now?” She’s instantly decisive: “Say yes.” I’m a little rattled, and I’m laughing too hard to type clearly. “I asked him why he wanted to know. Let’s see what he says,” I tell Susan. “Ask him if he’d like to suck on your toes,” she suggests. We both are rolling.)
ME: Would you like to suck on my toes? (“I did it!” I can practically hear Susan’s laughter. “I damn near choked!” she responds a moment later.)
HIM: hey don’t do this u are a lawyer sweety (“He better have a damn long tongue if it’s gonna reach Arkansas from Turkey!” I barely notice his response. I’m having a lot more fun with Susan than I am with him.)
ME: you started it (“Did you send him that pic?” Susan asks. “I sent him the man,” I tell her. “Don’t make me piss myself!” Susan laughs)
HIM: i want to learn lnger or the same
ME: why? (Susan sends me a new picture. “Tell him it’s a little preview,” she suggests.)
HIM: bc i am foot fetish (No – really? A foot fetish? “He’s still on the toes,” I tell Susan. “He just admitted to a foot fetish.” Susan’s fast. “Want me to look up podiatrist?” she asks.)
ME: I see (Do I sound surprised?
HIM: give me answer (Susan says she’ll go find a picture with a foot in it.)
ME: what is it you like about feet? (“Good plan. A closeup,” I chortle to Susan.)
HIM: what about u?
ME: what about me? (Uh-oh. What am I going to say here?)
HIM: yes (Ummm…)
ME: I have no feet (Yeah! That’s the ticket!)
HIM: there are 20000 people who have no feet. (He knows the freaking STATISTICS!!!)
ME: and you found one of them. How are those for odds, huh?(I send the foregoing to Susan, knowing it will make her crazy. “WTF?” she sends back.)
HIM: 20.000/5.000.000.000=%0,0025 chance
HIM: and i asked her about feet (Susan’s hysterical now. I can feel it, all the way between Pennsylvania and Arkansas. She’s hysterical.)
HIM: what a destiny
ME: yep (Susan’s crying. She says, “Now I have to find a naked amputee!! ROFLMAO I’m looking through fetish pics already!)
HIM: plz say truth
ME: All right. Truth is I really have four feet. I have feet on my arms, too. I had to learn to type with the toes on my hands (I copy this to Susan. “What the hell!” She’s beyond using acronyms.)
HIM: i think u believe evoluation (Susan says, “He’s probably jerkin off with his elbows.”)
ME: evolution? Yes. I am a study in retro-evolution, or devolution. I have four feet, just like an animal. (What an image THAT evokes!)
HIM: and that feet toes (Susan says, “That’s one for the mad scientists.”)
HIM: is your first feet toe longer than second? (“Scientists? Yes. Dr. StrangeloveShakespeare, over here,” I tell Susan. “No shit!!” She howls back at me.)
ME: They are the same
ME: No, one’s longer.
ME : No, the other is longer. I can’t tell. (Susan has finally recovered enough to ask me, “What’s he doing now?”)
HIM: hey come on
HIM: thats not diffucult for u (Is he getting testy? With moi? For shame! I send this section to Susan. She’s still laughing.)
ME: well, I can’t tell. I’m blind, you see. I have to do this by touch. (Susan’s response to this is yet another expletive. I think she was laughing too hard to think in real words.)
HIM: so if i send my naked pictures u will not see! (I decide I’ve gotta let Magic know about this. I haven’t kept him in the loop. Me to Magic: “Oh, god – they guy is a foot fetishist!” Susan, meanwhile, has recovered the power of speech. “This is too much fun!” she exclaims.)
ME: true. That’s why I don’t care if you do or not (Do I sound doleful? Resigned to my sightless and footless misfortune? And people wonder why I do this!)
HIM: u make me laugh here (He’s laughing at the poor little lame blind woman? That cad! I remind Susan, “Fucking with these guys is entertainment in my sad little corner of the world.” Susan says, “I never chat. Now I can see why.” She conveys hilarious sobs, and I copy Magic with the toe conversation. Now he’s laughing, too.)
HIM: do u need a love? (Oh, now he’s going to take pity on me! Susan breaks in, “Tell him you have an extra toe on each foot. That should get him rolling.” )
ME: I have an extra toe on each foot. Six toes. (I am obedient to Susan my Muse.)
HIM: for me?
ME: but of course
HIM: are u foot fetish? (I copy this to Susan. “What should I tell him?”
ME: not exactly. Either I have too many feet or not enough, so they don’t much interest me. (“Tell him you’ll rub them on him,” Susan suggests. Magic tells me I got myself into this and he’s not going to help get me out.)
HIM: do u like me? (“No, I can’t do that,” I tell Susan. “He’d have to leave the computer to go clean up. I wouldn’t want him to get splooge on the keyboard.”)
ME: Like you? I don’t know you. (“Hell,” offers Susan, “it’s probably already gummed up!”)
HIM: i am 28m turkei
ME: you’re young enough to be my son (“Good God,” I report to Susan. “He just told me he’s 28!)
HIM: what was your age? (Well, it WAS 28, but that was a loooooong time ago…)
ME: 44 (Susan is encouraging about this relationship. “Tell him you love younger men,” she says. “EEEEWWWWWWWWWWW,” I respond. “Young enough to be my offspring? GROSS!
HIM: only 17 years we have. is it problem for u?
ME: yeah. It feels like kiddie porn
HIM: hey i am young men
ME: yeah. And I’m an old lady
HIM: u are my sweet lady (I copy Susan. Her response, predictably, is “LMAO.”)
ME: I really don’t think so (I’ve copied Magic with everything to this point. Magic tells me, “That’s great.” I can see that he is happy that I have found true love on the internet at long last.)
HIM: what u think lady?
ME: 1) I think I’m NOT yours
ME: 2) I’m NOT sweet
ME: 3) I’m really not very nice at all
HIM: is it importand for u?
ME: and 4) I’m not a lady. I’m a man
HIM: we spend very enjoy time
HIM: that is big joke! (I’m copying Susan, who agrees that we’ve had about all the fun we can stand for one night.)
ME: I think it’s time to go
ME: goodbye, Umut
HIM: plz say true
HIM: are u really male? (Susan points out that it doesn’t seem to matter one way or another to him. “No,” I agree, “he just wants to keep me talking.”
ME: no (“Yeah, Susan says. And for what? He isn’t getting anywhere.” He wants to know for real if I’m a man, I tell her. “Tell him the first pic was you,” she suggests, “and that you’re gay.”)
ME: what do you think? (Oh, I am SO coy!)
HIM: i think u ar female
HIM: u must a male
ME: I probably ought to tell you I’m a gay male (Susan suggests now that I tell him I’d like to take him by the toes and roll him over in the clover.)
HIM: come on
HIM: i look your picture
HIM: u are female
ME: I need to go. Goodbye, Umut
HIM: are u female?
Susan and I talked awhile longer, then it occurred to us to ask Sue, who loves these IM conversations, who may have sent him to me. So I send Sue an Instant Message: “Are you there? Some guy from Turkey with the ID shakespeare_lovee just IMed me and said my friend Susan said for him to look me up. He’s a freaking foot fetishist!”
Sue wasn’t online until later, sadly, but she’s been having fun asking me all about my feet ever since. Magic pops back on and asks, So, did you get rid of your boyfriend? Sheesh. Some friends!
So it’s official. Shakespeare and I are a couple. My feet are all tingly.
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