Brie: It's What's For Breakfast

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Another Tedious Messenger Conversation

This one opened up with several lines of text in Arabic, which I neither read or speak. Then he buzzed me and did one of those really obnoxious Audibles in some other language. I knew right off the bat I had a bona fide moronic IM Cammer. As usual, my thoughts are in italics.

Oh, and because I know you will ask, the guy on this IM is Abdullah  He also sent me an invite to connect oas friends on Yahoo 360, which I denied based on the fact that communication between us is clearly impossible. If you go to his page, notice that his friends are named Sexy, Horny, and Boobs. Nice.

HIM: your eyes are sweet (Awwww. He’s starting out nicely. I wonder if he’ll ask me to dance?)

ME: You’re nuts and you’re obnoxious. Do you have any idea what you are even saying? (If I go on the attack he won’t understand me.)

HIM: i dont understand you (No shit, Sherlock. I didn’t expect you to.)

ME: I don’t understand you, either. What is with the bizarre comments? Do you even speak English? (That’s it. Be righteously indignant that he dared contact me in a language I don’t speak.)

HIM: do you love sex frre? (WTF? Sex frre? Sex fire? Sex for free? Sex for a fee? WTF?)

HIM: do you have camer? (Heh heh. He can’t spell camera. I’ll pretend not to understand.)

ME: WTF are you trying to say? (Oh! I could say camel instead of camera!)

ME: I don’t keep camels, no. (Lou does that for me at the Virgin Training School)

HIM: your body sweet (How the hell would he know that? I don’t have any pictures of my body posted!)

HIM: i can see your chest (I don’t think so. If you’re looking at someone’s chest, it ain’t mine.)

ME: No, you can’t see my chest. What makes you think I want to give you sexual gratification? If I had the ability to do so, I would have you arrested for sexual assault. (Right. Like I care what this guy says or wants. He’s an idiot.)

HIM: your chest is sweet (And how would you know?)

ME: How would you know? You have no idea what my body even looks like. I could be a 700 pound quadriplegic with club feet and a potato face, for all you know. (What other nasty images I can evoke here?)

HIM: i can see your chest (You can? I don’t think so!)

ME: No, you can’t. Even if you’re peeping in my window you can’t see my chest. I’m dressed for Pete’s sake.

HIM: ok (Why do I feel like I’m talking to Latke on Taxi? You know, Andy Kaufman’s character?)

ME: Go pick on some woman from your country. Maybe they are stupid enough there to display themselves like meat at the butcher shop. (I doubt it, though. That’s why you are trolling the Internet for wanton Western women. Why does my gender have to be so stupid here?)

HIM: no (Yeah, you’d get stoned in the marketplace if you did, wouldn’t you?)

ME: You have no idea what you’re even talking about. Go away. (He really has no idea what I’m talking about.)

HIM: no (He’s just saying no for the hell of it. He has no clue.)

HIM: your body sweet (We’re back to this?)

ME: Get a life (Get a life, moron)

HIM: your eyes are sweet (Aren’t they? They are laughing at your lame ass right now.)

ME: So you assault me? Go away. You are insulting and rude. (I wonder if he uses Google Translator?)

HIM: ok (What a freaking idiot)

HIM: i can see your chest (We’re back to this AGAIN??)

ME: No. (How much clearer can I put this? Even Google Translator ought to be able to interpret this.)

HIM: your chest is sweet (You’re a moron)

ME: You’re a jerk

HIM: i would like to play sex with you ok (Oh, my gawd. He is a hornified jackass.)

ME: No. (You’ve got to be kidding.)

HIM: send me 10$ doler (WHAT? I’m laughing out loud at this point.)

ME: You’ve got to be kidding. (Surely he doesn’t really think THAT’S going to happen.)

HIM: send to me (ok, buddy. Tell me who to make the check out to)

ME: ok, I’ll send you $10 – what is your name and address (Hee hee! Right!)

HIM: $1000 (Oooooo, the stakes are raised!)

HIM: ok (He’s certifiable!)

ME: SURE (I hope he realizes just how enthusiastic I am about this.)

ME: what is your name (Come on, buddy. Tell me more.)

HIM: no (Did he understand that? I wonder…)

HIM: $10000000000000000000000000000 (Uh-huh.)

HIM: your chest is sweet (Oh, my gawd. Not again!)

ME: you’re an idiot

HIM: i can see your chest (ok, I’m getting bored with this.)

HIM: ok (Time to tell him to go screw himself)

ME: hell no

HIM: you are abeoutiful (Guess he’s not using Google Translator. Google Translator can spell)

ME: you’re a pig (let’s see him translate that and still want to talk)

HIM: think you (OMG! HAH! He thanked me for calling him a PIG!)

HIM: your body sweet (This guy is absolutely tedious)

HIM: your chest is sweet (YAAAWWWWWNNNNN)

ME: you’re a frigging moron

HIM: are you married? (He cares? Oh! HE wants to marry me! Be still my heart!)

ME: WTF does it matter

HIM: i can see your chest (Time to tie this one up)

ME: Do you really not get it? NO!

HIM: your hair are sweet (Oh, wow. Something new and different. He must have looked in his dictionary.)

ME: You are a complete ass

HIM: i can see your chest (boredboredboredboredbored)

HIM: ok

HIM: no

ME: go away

HIM: your chest is sweet (Hey, buddy, your pick-up line isn’t working. Watch me throw my drink in your face.)

ME: how the hell would you know

HIM: ok

HIM: think you (He has no clue what he’s saying. I’m done.)

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January 24, 2007 - Posted by | IM

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